5

My first fren's wedding that i attended was kershin's. Was filled with emotions that nite. When i saw how happy the couple was, i told myself, yes, i know who is it i wanna stand on the stage with, pouring down the champagne and cutting the cake with. Maybe exactly 5 years ago, i did not dare make this proclaimations. But, right now at this moment, at the day which is supposed to be a celebration of half a decade of my life shared with this wonderful woman, i know what i want. No matter wad happens, i still wanna say these words to you.

I finally found someone that knocks me off my feet. I finally found the one that makes me feel complete. It started over icq, we strated out as friends It's funny how from simple things the best things begin This time is different and it's all because of you. It's better than it's ever been cause we can talk it through. My favouite line was "Can I call you sometime" It's all you had to say to take my breath away This is it, oh I finally found someone, someone to share my life. I finally found the one to be with every night. Cause whatever I do, it's just got to be you. My life has just begun, I finally found someone.

Day 8

Why must u still call me to get irritated with me? Why must u be so selfish. Do u think i believe that u do not love me at all these 5 years. I do not believe you at all. This is what i get for loving you with all my heart for 5 years, for staying true to you and standing by your side through all your downs for all these 5 years. I got a sorry from you after u walked away, and without any explanation. This is fucking irresponsible. Why must u do this to me? U can be irresponsible in your job or towards your frens or wad, but why must u do this to me? After 5 years, you tell me you feel that u want to let it go. Why not fucking tell me this after 5hours, or 5 days, when we are back in 2003. Why play with me and do this. Why get my parents to like you so much and den do hurt us so bad. Do i deserve any of this at all.

Day 7

Its a week since you told me those hurting words. I could not take the pain and i juz had to hear your voice. Sorry for doing what i did, to call you and put the phone down. 我的心真的很痛. 为何爱情总是难舍难分. Up till now, i am still in a haze, why did all these happen? Why is 2008 such a nightmare for me? I kept my phone on today again. Sat next to my house phone, in hope it will ring. It did not. And it really hurts.

Sorry i didnt mean to call but i couldnt fight. I am so weak, i couldnt even hide. Called you so many times, but u didnt pick up at all. Haiz, its going to be a long lonely sad nite for me, juz like the past 6 nites. Been listening to 97.2, i cant listen to class 95, it will juz remind me of u again, and i will so wanna tok to u, but u are juz not there.

Wanted to tell you my knee hurts alot from doing too heavy presses. Felt like coming over to get the deep heat, but i noe i cant come over. I was so so tempted to come over, to see you. Haiz, knee pain, heart pain, everywhere also pain, why does it have to be this way. I will rather amplify the knee pain and get rid of the heart ache.

Day 6

Went gym to whack my deltoids today. Really whacked them hard. Damn sore and damn tired after that. Tried to nap, but couldnt. Dad asked me have i been letting u drive the car and that i should let u drive more. Kept quiet again, didnt know wad to reply. Can this nightmare be over soon? Saw u called me, but my phone was charging. Kept my phone on the whole day, expecting a call from you, but none came. Was really very sad, but i know i muz be guai. And i will be guai guai waiting for you.

Its a really painful wait to hope secretly that you will call me again, and that i can hear you voice again. Its day6, really horrible 6 days. What can i do to make you come back? Long ago, i have already given you all my heart, and there is nothing else left for me to look forward each day except to love you.

Day 5

It was raining very hevily early morning. Wanted to call you to ask you how are you going to go work. But i noe i cannot do that. Could not sleep anymore. Lay in bed for hours, 3 hours i guess. Finally decided that i have had enough of thinking of us, no matter how long i think for, you are not going to appear by my side. Kept wondering, is it because there is no more freshness in us. Maybe i could have tried harder to make our relationship be more interesting. I could have bought u a tic to come over to the States back den. I should have done so even before i left. I should have known that u always cant make decisions. When there is someone there saying all those stuff, it makes it worse.

I know your friends do not like me, but is there anything i can do about it, they fucking didnt give me any chance at all right from the start. I felt that i have always tried my best to make your friends like me, i have tried to provide myself there to integrate with you guys. But you never want me to. Sorry bout what i said at taka that day, but i was merely stating what i really feel.

Is there a place where i can throw a coin and wish and can return to the past. I would throw my entire wealth in it if i can juz have one chance to return to the past. Can today be 31st December 2007? I would never had boarded the plane. I would not have to go through the pain of having my everything taken away from me.

Its 10pm now, i made an exception today. I kept my phone on, in hope that u will call me. I feel really very sad, i know i should not expect you to call, but i just did. I really miss your voice, i really miss talking to you about my day, listening to wad happened to you everyday. I miss tucking you to bed everynite. Why did u have to take all these away, when all these meant so so much to me.

Some big screw up happened to my FYP, but who is there to listen to me? Sighz. You know i am so dependent on you, and you had to leave me.

Day 4

Woke up at 9, Chang say he not feeling well, not gymming, so i slept again till 11, then gymmed myself. At 9, when i lay back in bed, i picked up the phone again, but i know i cannot call you. Hug my dear lil bolster and asked him when will this whole nightmare be over. Is it going to be over in a week? a month? or will it ever ever be over? I want you to know that no matter how much u hurt me, i really still love you as much. And all i want is for you to be back my side.

I promise that if you wanna go out with ur coolheadz for all the drinking and over nite stuff, i will really give in to you. I will not be not happy or wad. Please come back. I really cannot do without you. You must be wondering why i am not calling you or wad, i promised you i will be guai. Now that u are gone, this is the only thing left i can do, that is to keep my promise and hope that one day, this will all be over.

Went to watch Get Smart today, nice show, full of funny scenes. Finally, i got to laugh a little. But, I feel very very empty again. Saw that u called me. I had to off my phone, coz when my phone is on, i will keep hoping every second that u will sms me to say that u have decided to come bac. It really really hurts. Bolster is very dirty with all my tears, maybe its time to change his cover tomorrow.

Day 3

Slept at 5, woke up at 10, ate my usual breakfast, then, met Clement for gym at 1130. Didn’t do anything much accept curl abit, he couldn’t do much as well coz of his injuries. More of a talk cock catch up session since I haven’t seen him for a month. Kept my hp off all the way, if I kept it on, I will definitely sms you. I really wanted to come over to your place to hang around, to watch friends, to watch tv with you on this Sunday afternoon. Is there no turning back for you? Everytime I on my Internet explorer, I so so wanna log on to singtel.com, to sms you. Borrowed some books from the library, but I utterly have no mood to read anything. So many questions without any answers from you. I have everything I need when I am loving you. Now, everything is taken away from me. Maybe I should start a blog, instead of writing on MS word daily. There will be instances I just stare into space and just wonder, why was I so childish to think that my nightmare was over. It doesn’t help that my cute little bolster is from you. Been tearing these 2 nights when I hug him.

Was at aunt's place eating prawns this evening. Mum mentioned that u like to eat prawn head. Had this sudden urge to cry. In the car, Dad asked me to ask you out for lunch next weekend at RTC. I kept quiet. It really really is very hurting. I know I should tell them the truth, but I cant, coz i know one day, if you ever come back to me, I will be there.

Saw you on msn the whole of this evening, i so wanted to msg you, but i didnt dare. I dont want to appear as a pest to you. It was really veri veri painful to fight back the urge, to call you, msn you, msg you. All i can do is to hug your bolster and cry. Never have i thought you will decide to give me up.

U asked me how did i do it, how did i manage to not call you for 2 days. I told ya i will alwaes listen to you and i will keep my promise, maybe its becoz i have nv listened to you in the past, thats why u chose to leave me. Its really hard not to call you, its really painful. But i know that i have to grow up, i have to listen to you. When will this nightmare be over?

Day 2

When I woke up, I so wanted to call you to wish you good morning, like what I used to every morning. I know u will not want me to do that, I had to learn to respect your choice. Maybe for the 5 years, I never listened to you enough, now I will listen to you. It was so hard to fight the urge. I so wanted to pei you to collect your stuff, explore your new gadget. I feel so so empty. Went to watch Hancock with zy and gang, nearly cried at the cinema. Although I haven’t watched a movie with them for ages, its just weird, I keep asking why am I not watching with you? Its 4am now, I still cant sleep, that’s why decide to wake up to write some stuff. Just now, I so so wanted to call you again. I had to disconnect the cable so that I will fight the urge. I know you were so selfish and mean to me, but to me, every morning I wake up, I will forget how mean you were and I will love you more and more each day no matter how you treat me. You should know thats how I work. It has always been this way, and I really do not mind it being this way forever. I really love my goal of just seeing you being happy everyday.